The That Just Ain't Right: Man-Law

I recently had the chance to attend the wedding of a long-time friend. At the wedding one of the other groomsmen just really seemed to be the life of the party if you know what I mean...

At the reception, my wife comes up to me and says to me you didn't tell me this man's ex-roommate was gay. Now let me explain to you my wife has a Gay-dar that is not available in stores, and probably illegal in most states (well at least in California and Massachusetts). I told her that I just met the man last night for the first time. As you can imagine that still didn't satisfy her as an answer to what to her seemed obvious.

So although I was pretty well convinced, why did the man have to put the icing on the cake. After coming off the dance floor from doing the god-awful Electric Slide he turns to me and asks. "Who is that guy over there that you have been talking to all night?" I was really speechless for a moment. In my entire life I don't think a man has ever asked me that before about another man.

So I was like, "Oh that's Big Baby we all used to work together. He is one of the guys that came up with me from Dallas." He got a little twinkle in his eye, and said, "OK, well I think I am going to go introduce myself to that brother." I tried to call out to him I didn't think that would be a good idea, but he was gone...

So after that experience I have to declare a MAN-LAW, "A guy should never ask another guy, who is that guy over there that you were talking to?" Read more!

How I Became a Pirate

I was talking to one of my co-workers a few weeks ago. She is the co-worker that has the big mouth and gives the dirt on everybody (me included). She mentioned to me that another co-worker had eye surgery that was specifically for people that did not qualify for Lasik. On top of that if you carry a certain insurance through our company they even pay for it.

So I went to talk to my co-worker that had done the procedure. She excitedly told me all about it. I mentioned to her that I had the same problem. That I went to the Clearview Eye Care Center and they told me that Lasik would do more damage to my eyes than good, and too absolutely not tell anyone ever perform Lasik on my eyes...

She then told me that Clearview is the same place that she got the procedure done. Are you kidding me? No Way! So I called the contact she gave me the next day to find out about the procedure, and the woman asked do you think you can come in today? Really? So I went to the battery of tests to see if I qualified. Unbelievable, did you ever know that you could get fatigued from an eye exam? I set an appointment for the next week for the 2nd round of tests and to find out if I qualified.

Did I mention that this woman was muy caliente.. and I didn't need vision correction to see that! Needless to say I was feeling very comfortable with the whole idea. So I qualified and they scheduled me to come in for the procedure 2 weeks later. Wow! I wasn't expecting this all to happen so fast. I needed to rush and get this procedure approved through the insurance. My co-worker had given me a contact, but initially I didn't use it, I figured that I would just go through the official process. When I called I the rep was Black (need I say more). So 10 days later after I had called and called at least 5 times I am frantically calling the contact she gave me to help me out.

This brother took over like a General. He took over and handled everything, and I mean everything and had all of the paperwork wrapped up by the next day, and was on vacation the day after that. I can't thank that brother enough, that is the type of service we should be giving each other!

So I go in the day of the surgery and I am so nervous I am sweating, and probably at a body temperature of 101. Having never had a surgery of any kind, I was nervous about the anesthesia, I was nervous at the thought that even though this man has been doing opthamology longer than I have been on Earth that he could have an off day and I could go from nearsighted to blind.

Things got worse, the nurse that was trying to insert an IV for me to get the anesthesia was having a hard time finding a vein in my hand. Yes, her having a hard time means I was in severe pain. She said I had thick skin, I told her that she just must not be used to seeing Black people as patients. I must have had quite a look on my face; because she got up and ran (literally not a figure of speech) to get the doctor to finish the job.

So after that was done, shortly after I am in he operating room. They are talking to me explaining the procedure, and the doctor comes in to give me the feel good juice. Thank you and good night! That is the last thing that I remember... They told me that I was talking and that I had something to drink and ate a cookie. I recall nothing!

So I come back the next morning for a post-op exam and I had 20/16 vision in my left eye. That is why I am a pirate, as I don't get the right eye done until November.

All because I took time to talk to the gossip girl at work... Maybe they aren't all that bad!! Read more!

I Must be Guilty

My wife has always labeled me as fanatical football fan, and with the Dallas Cowboys as my favorite team, an incorrigible fan.

I never really agreed to this, as Sunday is pretty much the only day I religiously watch fooball, and plus as an avid fan I compare myself to other fans I see and in my eyes I see a clear distinction.

This clarity took a huge blow last Christmas (I am writing this now as I am reminded of this as we enter football season, plus I had not set up the blog back then)! At the end of the day after I had sorted through all of my presents you would have thought I had recently been drafted by the Dallas Cowboys.

Here is a list of the gifts I received branded with the Dallas Cowboys:

A Santa Hat
A Fossil Watch
A Pajama bottom
A Baseball Cap
A Pullover Sweatshirt
A Blanket, throw or tapestry (whatver you want to call it)
A Mug (w/ shot glasses)
A Poster of the Cowboys Cheerleaders (which I didn't get to keep)
Playoff tickets in the mail (which i paid for myself and didn't get to use)
A Frog wearing a Cowboys Jersey that sings 50 Cents "In Da Club"

These gifts came from family, fellow fans, a couple of vendors I work with, even my brother's girlfriend chipped in. If you combine this with the fact that I am a Season Ticket Holder, attend 1 road game every year, I tivo every game, the folks at church tease me that they know I will not be there when the Cowboys play a home game, and that I just got back from visiting training camp in San Antonio. I probably would be found unaminously guilty in any court. Even the worst of trial lawyers could nail me on this charge..... Read more!

The Run-In

A few months ago my neighbor stopped by with his usual "me against the world" stories, and how he didn't care what anybody said about him. So I had to casually remind him that when he was recently verbally attacked by one of our other neighbors aggressively suggesting that he remove some of the "yard art" from his front yard that he moved most of it shortly thereafter.

So while we were conversing I took the opportunity to let him know I had an issue with him parking his cars in the street all the time. The guy has 4 or 5 cars that park at his house, and you will drive into the neighborhood at times and all of them would be parked on the street.

The guy immediately began catching an attitude. I found myself explaining to a man that owns a $350K home why it is not good for the neighborhood for him to park his cars in the street.

Since they were not in the street at the time, he first tried to play dumb like he did not know what I was talking about. I called him on that, and he began quoting the deed restrictions which only restrict daily overnight parking on the street. I explained to him that the essence of the rule is so that people don't leave cars parked in the street all of the time which although his move periodically and at night his cars are always parked in the street. So to me it's basically the same problem and he needs to park his 5 cars in the 7 available parking spaces on his property.

He mentions that he is unable to park any of his cars in his 3 car garage at this time. So I ask him that since he can't park his cars on his own property that he should park his cars on the street? He stated that it was public property, and I told him that the public is telling him that there is an issue with him parking his cars in the street.

Seeing he was not going to win this argument he began to get belligerent. He told me we were all picking on him, and that he was Sicilian and we didn't know who we were messin' with ("we" is in reference to the Board of the Homeowners Association of which I am am member and probably the lady that attacked him about the yard art). That we need to be worried about why the "GD" trees that are growing over the street sign and leave him alone.

Wow! Here I am talking to a 70 year old man, that is yelling at me in front of my house.

Let me briefly take you back 3 years ago, living in a different neighborhood, I knocked on my next door neighbor's door for the same reason. I asked him to move his car and to stop parking it in front of my house. Now let me explain, this was a brother that smokes weed, is never sober (always has a cup in his hand), owns a Rottweiler that we nicknamed Cujo, has a wife that also smokes weed and curses like a sailor, and a teenage son that also smokes weed and looks like the type of guy that takes Cujo to the local dog fighting spot every weekend.

All that being said which one do you think would be the worse run-in?

Erase all stereotypes; because my man was like no problem man, and came out and moved it immediately and never parked it there again. Never a tense moment, it was no big deal at all.

But the 70 year old white man, wants to talk to me like I am his grandson? So I simply told him that I speak to him 2-3 times a week and the trees had never been a problem until I told him to move his cars, and that I am telling him that I do not want him to park his cars in the street, and that it was time for him to go on back to his house.

He left and did the usual walk and talk, of which I pretty much ignored. He then called my next door neighbor who is the President of the Homeowners Association and complained about our confrontation. Ironically, most of the time I talk to this guy (the guy that parks his cars in the street) he is usually complaining about him (the president). I had previously told the president I was going to say something to this guy about the parking situation and he agreed, but on this phone call he folded like a lawn chair. Then had the nerve a few days later to try to shake my hand congratulating me for addressing the situation.

This brings me to the whole point of this blog entry (you probably thought it was to prove that I am right)... You can't tell a white man nothing! Especially when you look like me!! I talked to this guy all the time, but I tried to tell him not to do something and he catches an attitude. My neighbor agrees with me, but when he gets a call from his brethren he falls back in line and supports his fellow white man in doing whatever it is he wants to do.

He actually did stop parking his cars out there as much. It would only be 1 car from time to time. Until, my other neighbor got involved. The woman across the street from me (that is white and looks like she bites), also confronted him about the parking situation. I have not seen a car since.....

So after the white woman says something it's put to rest or otherwise stated after it stated to him by anyone that does not look like me! Read more!